Whats happening? As with my usual habits I got lazy when things were on the up turn and only write when the glass is half empty! Been back at work for quite sometime and it’s been traveling quite swell! Nothing too unusual about today.. just the usual work stuff however this afternoon after eating some spicy curry for chicken I felt a bit different. I had tickets to Russell Peters today, so that was on my mind a bit and as usual throughout today I had been over worrying about the logistics of how I was going to get there. Afternoon was filled with meetings and next thing I knew it was 5:30 and I was running late to head home. I felt a bit buzzed and thought it was just adrenaline having gone through meeting after meeting after meeting! The walk to the bus stop was non-eventful aside from the fact I felt a tad short of breath and tried to slow it down somewhat. Once I was in the queue for the bus, my thoughts started to spiral out of control. The first bus arrived ended up being quite packed to the hilt and I was (thankfully) unable to get on. Good news was I was first on the next bus which had just arrived. Bad news was once I got on the bus I started to fret, sweat and all those unpleasant sensations came at me very rapidly. Off to the next bus stop, peak hour traffic, lots of people, senses on overdrive and it was very very very uncomfortable for me. The rest of the trip home was rated probably at a 5/10 until I got closer to home where everything became more bearable.
Home now, not going to Russell :~( and confidence has taken a big hit. Also it’s somewhat depressing that it was going all so well and as always I’m sitting there wondering what happened, how did this get triggered, why did it happen? The usual fear and question of is this the start of something big? or just a one off.. I guess it’s more disappointing that just when I had dared to dream about catching a plane or going away on a holiday this happens. I know I shouldn’t be thinking like this, but as all sufferers know it’s not quite that easy. It’s definitely a lot easier said than done to focus on the positives. It’s quite tough when you haven’t experienced those uneasy sensations for quite sometime and managing them when you’re out of practice. I guess I could look at it as a friendly reminder to just keep practicing even when I’m not having attacks so I’m preprared for the next random one.
Time to crack on with my final essay for my first subject at uni!