Headed out today to go for a walk up to the local pub (to prepare and prove to myself I can do it later on this arvo!). Had to force myself out of the house but that was as hard as it really got. I walked around the shops near the pub, even went into one of the shops to pick up some sugar and onions. Afterwards I considered walking further but decided to just do laps of the local neighbourhood. Once that was done I figured why the heck not and went into Bunnings to see how I would react to being in a shop. Surprisingly it was okay, so I walked around in there for a little bit just to have a poke around and buy some paint brushes and headed off to Nemesis #1 Chatswood Chase. Well surprise surprise, I managed to go in there and not be scared out of my brains. Since I was in there, I figured I’d go have a dig at the new Dick Smith and possibly buy a new mouse if they had the Logitech M950 (which they didn’t).. and while I was on a high I moved onto Harvey Norman and just generally loitered.
Talk about pushing boundaries I lumbered up to Westfields to have a gawk at the Alienware M11X as well and then looked up at the skylights and noticed it was getting dark. I was sincerely hoping it was just the skylights in Westfields made the sky look darker, but I was wrong and it was bucketing down. Long story short walked home and got completely soaked.
But (yeah yeah, you should never start a sentence with but!), on the extremely positive side… one word.. WOW!! Talk about progress… I actually felt quite normal in the shopping centres at both times. I walked past the Chemist Warehouse and wasn’t scared of it, I could have gone in but I had nothing to really buy in there. Every chance I got I stopped at traffic lights and waited for them to turn green as that was one of my pains when I panic, having patience for lights or just anything in general. So yeah so far so good 🙂 Fingers crossed for me! 😀
Looks like I’m slowly getting used to the meds, not feeling sick yesterday and don’t feel too sick today! Went outside and hung out at the fountain downstairs for an hour. It was quite strange, even just sitting downstairs I was somewhat unnerved. It wasn’t too uncomfortable and after some surfing on the netbook, it went away. I had given myself 1 hour to sit there before I would move on, and when time was getting near I started to get a bit freaked out again. It was about lunchtime by this point so I headed to the bakery for some chicken roll action and struggled to stay calm while waiting. Walked the long way home around the block despite not feeling well just to push myself that little bit more.
Headed out to the local park for part two and sat there and surfed a bit while the local kids were playing in the playground. That was fine with no weird feelings. After a while I headed home and found a notice in the letter box to pick up something from the Post Office. As you’ll recall, the last experience was not a pleasant one. Having those thoughts in my head caused me to struggle leaving the car park! I forced myself to at least drive to the post office with the thought if there’s no parking, I can turn around and go back home. Luck would have it there was parking, so I parked and ran inside. Since the lucky stars were shining on me, there were two queues this time round just as long as the queue was from last Saturday. Since I ran inside the post office, I was concentrating on huffing and puffing in the queue so by the time I grabbed my parcel it was all over in a pinch. When I got home I was exhilarated! So excited and pleased with myself that I managed to do that all on my own! Planning on heading up to the local today so hopefully that won’t be too dramatic! Must think and build on the positives from yesterday.
For those looking for help, there’s a new Virtual clinic thats starting up for people who have Agoraphobia and can’t get out of the house for help. Also has more information about Anxiety/Panic disorders and what not. A good read 🙂
For the remainder of last night I as per usual just felt generally ill. It probably was due to the fact I hadn’t eaten for most part of the day, but even attempting to rectify that scenario by eating buttered toast was very difficult. In the end I decided I would just lie down and attempt to sleep off the effects. Had trouble sleeping and was only successful in laying in bed tossing and turning for an hour and a half. Eventually I passed out.
Woke up this morning feeling very groggy and for the first two hours feeling somewhat depressed, sad and lonely. Not sure where all these feelings came from but was just struggling to feel positive and overwhelmed by negative futile emotions. I do however feel a lot better now. Fight fight fight, go away negative emotions!
Yesterday wasn’t too shabby, although my stomach was pretty much upset for most part of the day. I did alot of sleeping too, I guess it didn’t help that I had a few beers prior to my meds on Sunday night. Towards 8pm, I started feeling better but that was probably due to them wearing out.
Last night, no beers just meds and watching tv and today I feel surprisingly well. Well enough infact to install SnowywindOSX on my MSI Wind. So far so good I guess, it all works, I have wireless.. only issue is I can’t get this stupid Telstra 3G card to work. I was originally hoping to bring my Wind down to the shopping centre, have some lunch, sit around and practise while all the busy shoppers go about their business. Looks like that may be delayed somewhat. Might just have to goto the local shops for some lunch or cooky my stupendously bland hokkien noodle stir fry!
Edit: sweet, it looks like my install seemed to be missing pppserial.ppp and a few other *.ppp files, copied them over from the macbook and all good! Time to have a quick shower, charge her up and off we go!
Edit 3:50pm: Wasn’t that successful of a trip after all. I decided to go pick up my prescription from the local chemist warehouse except I didn’t realise how busy they were. The wait was approximately 15 minutes, in which I was fighting the fear all throughout. As always the 15 minute wait felt like an eternity, there were a few minutes in there where I felt okay but in during that time I ended up walking outside just to get some fresh air and calm down. Agitated by the long wait, I finally got my meds, paid and left. At this point I felt somewhat okay I decided to go down to the Chase to continue my journey. This lasted approximately another 15 minutes by which I started to have the gagging reflexes. I hurriedly exited the shopping centre and made my way home staying close to the gutter as much as I could. Every breath I took made me want to throw up, I think it has something to do with my jaw clenching side effect. I’ll have to go out and practise some more tomorrow. Maybe this time I’ll bring a bag just incase I do need to throw up.
I really need to learn to focus on something else instead of thinking about if I’m feeling unwell or concentrating on symptoms/side-effects >.<
So a quick update of where we’re at. I’ve had bouts of nausea throughout these past few days and just generally don’t feel well a few hours after I take the pill. To be honest I’ve done nothing really useful in these past few days except lie around the house feeling ill. Today I’ve decided it’s probably better to take the pills at night time and hopefully I can sleep off most of the side effects. Felt alot more “normal” today, and actually could go and do stuff. I didn’t actually go “out” per-se, but did the usual housey chores, clean clean and clean. See how we go tomorrow.
Yesterday headed up to the post office to grab my uni material, oh yeah I’m going back to uni! It’s all correspondence of course but hopefully I won’t be too anxious to study. Might even be a good thing and take my mind off things 🙂 The queue in the post office was horrible. Not only was I feeling ill from the side effects, I started getting really panicky in the PO. I grit my teeth tried to get through it all, by the time I was two from the front of the queue I was down on my haunches. Grabbed my books and ran back to the car. Got back home and out the front door I was dry retching, lovely images isn’t it? Pooey, side effects and panix is not a good mix I think!
Another day. Today is Friday. Woke up feeling not really that positive, took my meds, turned on the tv stumbled around a bit surfed the net and did nothing. Mind you it’s only 10:40am so there’s still plenty of the day left to go. Spoke with Alain about his experiences with Lexapro. Nothing much new has come about. Yesterday I went to Chatswood Chase feeling pretty positive. That was until I went inside and the usual symptoms came back, I struggled through but it was the usual uncomfortable shopping experience.
Last night was the usual raid night for our guild. Been playing the WoW for a few hours before the raid so I thought I’d be fine. Entered the ICC and was going fine until “the worry of uncertainty” struck me. All it took was a split second for my mind to think “oh no, if I don’t feel well and have to leave, everyone will be cross at me” and that basically set me off. Luckily there was someone else around that could take my spot and I left promptly. Looking back at it, the smart thing to do would have been to tough it out and that hopefully would have gone someway to convincing myself there’s nothing to be afraid of.
Have to go up to the post office to pick up uni books today. Earlier this morning I had absolutely no intention nor did I actually feel like going up to the Post office, or even going out anywhere. I guess the drugs have kicked in a little. See how the rest of the day goes 🙂