Concave, Convex?

In a morning of spontaneous madness, I made the decision to start my new hobby and went out and bought a Nikon D80. Having not realised the shops were open during Australia day, I surrendered to just surfing the interweb and reading about photography. Upon the discovery they were infact open, within an hour I was at Jong’s place with my new box of goodies. For those that are interested in purchasing one feel free to read the reviews at DPReview and at DCResource.

My condition is somewhat better although I still am struggling to last the day at work or on the train without negative thoughts clouding my judgement. Hopefully the new hobby will allow me to focus on life’s simpler pleasures and not constantly worry about the many issues and challenges associated with it. As my counsellor continually reminds me “It takes time”.. I just need to remind myself of this each day instead of being eternally frustrated!

Incidently today was Alex’s 1st day at kindy! A new page begins in the life of Alex! I took some pics of him this morning before he headed off to school. Most of you know where to find them if not contact me and I’ll send you the URL.

Another day at the office.. or so I thought

Another day at work today. And I tell you what, it was bloody exhausting. I’ve had my second session of counselling and was informed that I probably hyperventilate without actually noticing. When you hyperventilate, you generally breath from your chest very rapidly and thus your chest starts feeling tight. Because your chest feels tight, you think you can’t breath! It’s a stupid cycle!

So I was at work today for the whole day, and had periods where I stopped working and thought exactly that! I thought I was having trouble breathing and my chest was tight. Then I went back to work and didn’t notice the feelings till the next time I stopped working. The day went by fairly quickly and it was time to walk to the train station where I endured 10 minutes of uncomfort to get to the platform. All that way I felt like it was a struggle to breath, even though when I wanted to I could take deep breaths. This was only the beginning of more pain. 45 minute train ride, packed like sardines, thinking you can’t breath properly was definitely not fun.

After arriving at my stop even getting to the car and driving 10 minutes home wasn’t fun. Once I got home and got changed and began to unwind I felt like I was in control again and could breath normally. What I realised was during work I was probably unconsciously breathing really fast (close to hyperventilation), hence my chest was giving a constant non stop workout. When I stopped working and tried to breath normally it was hard to do because my chest had tightened up from all the fast breathing.

What I’ve realised is while I THINK I am okay catching the train, or being at work, I’m really hyperventilating through the whole thing. Just not realising it somehow, (a question I’m going to have to ask my counsellor how on earth I can do this?!?!), and because of this when I’m done catching the train or work I feel the normal sensations. Light headedness, breathing difficulties… and I know most of you don’t realise it, but when you are in that state of mind it feels like an eternity and you really do think you might stop breathing and  keel over and die. Getting better won’t happen overnight but it’s going to be a very uncomfortable next few months I think πŸ™ wish me luck!

I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell

I made the bold move today to return things to normal and attempt to goto work. For the past few weeks, everything has seemed fairly calm and normal so I thought I would be fine. Besides I had my magic pills, what could go wrong. The train trip was doing well till about Ashfield?Croydon? I’m not sure what happened then I just started panicing and it was all over. I got off at Town Hall very nauseous and somewhat disorientated. Breathing was slightly harder but not as bad as it’s previously been. I sent an SMS to Lainey to ask if I could chill out there, and when I got the all clear there was a brief 5-10 second window where I thought there was nothing wrong, everything was fine. And then it ended and it started to get worse. As with my previous panic/anxiety attacks I started to feel physically ill. I tried to rest but was unable to with all the negative thoughts going on in my head so I succumbed and took the pill. Shortly after all was well and I drifted off to sleep.

I awoke in the afternoon feeling semi-better but not fully convinced I was okay. I managed to get to Town Hall and hop on a train home and tried to get some rest. Didn’t help much when a family got on at Central with two kids, one of which was extremely noisy. In the end they managed to get my mind off things and by the time I got past Strathfield I was feeling very much in control of everything and felt 100% fine and dandy.

As I write this I don’t feel any issues, nor have I felt any attacks since this morning. Prior to this morning, the worse attack I had was on Dec 19 when I was admitted to St Vincents. It’s been 2-3 weeks and I’ve been okay. What is it?? What is wrong with me? There is nothing consciously I can think of thats bugging me. I’m not worried about work since I haven’t been for almost a month, financial situation is okay, no relationship to worry about, no friend conflicts.. I have no idea whats wrong with me?!

I thought I had gotten over it so I haven’t seen anyone regarding this but obviously not so I’m off to get some counselling and what not tomorrow and hopefully I’ll have a better grip/direction on life. Work has been VERY VERY understanding over the past few weeks and I even got a call from the CIO’s PA today. The CIO was afraid if she called me she might send me into a mad panic, but I told the PA it’s fine. So I’ll be getting a call from the CIO herself tomorrow.

For those that haven’t had them and want to know what I’m going through there are many articles on the interweb describing panic/anxiety attacks. An example is this one:Panic Attacks, Panic Disorder and Agoraphobia: Symptoms, Causes, and Treatment

For me the main symptoms have been:

  • Shortness of breath, thinking I am having trouble breathing
  • Dizziness and nauseous
  • Feeling that my heart is beating at 100 miles an hour
  • Due to the hyperventilating I will start to shake
  • Also due to hyperventilating I start to get pins and needles throughout my arms
  • Stomach upset and feeling like throwing up

Fingers crossed I will find a way to deal with this shortly. I am fully aware the pills I have can be addictive and is NOT a solution. Having said that I haven’t felt the need to use them and the few small attacks I have experienced prior today I’ve managed to ride them out so lets hope I can make that a permanent thing πŸ™‚

Happy New Year

Happy New Year!! Just a quick post to welcome 2007 and fingers crossed it’s going to be a positive and progressive towards New Year Resolutions and personal goals year! The weather here isn’t the best with rain forecasted for the rest of the week, but what can you do, can’t have everything πŸ™‚

Happy New Year!!!